i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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