I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.