it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
