the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
