Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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