you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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