I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
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But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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