please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
