Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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