the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
