I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
