The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
