I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
