thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
