I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
