wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
