My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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