doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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