Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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