You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
