Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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