At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
