also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD