First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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