Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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