Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And then my night got REAL pukey
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pants are for mortals
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?