how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast