yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want nice things and good sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
