She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
All I want is dick and wine.