How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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