Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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