The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
