What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
