I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
