guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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