I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
