I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
