peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
