chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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