We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ttyl tear gas
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
