so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
