and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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