Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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