The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
