I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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