tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
