explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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