remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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