i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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