life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
