i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
