Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
