I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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