The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
