I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
