i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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