I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
