It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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