Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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