the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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