New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
