i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the room spins SO much faster in panama
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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